


Avengers Assemble (NOT)!

by BladesAndSwords



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-08-15 01:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8036692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BladesAndSwords/pseuds/BladesAndSwords
Summary: Drabbles. When they aren't saving the world, the Avengers have to deal with the problems in their own lives. Some are ridiculous, while others...are even more ridiculous.





	1. Chapter 1

**_Jealousy_ **

"I tell you, Bruce. Since I gave Jarvis that synthetic body, he has been nothing but a douche…Yes, that's the word. A douche! And Pepper spends a lot of time with him, and she says _'I only do it because you asked me to look after him!'_ and I'm like _'Girl, I didn't'_ and she is all like _'What?'_ and I'm like …like I don't even …"

"Tony, you do realize you are jealous of an A.I, right?"

"No, no. No, Bruce, it's not just an A.I. It is a _British-voiced_ A.I., There's a difference."

"Okay… "Bruce said, and he took the bottle away from Tony's hands "I think you've had enough scotch for one day …"

**_Love_ **

"Loki, what is this strange feeling I feel in my stomach whenever I'm close to Jane? Could it be …love?"

"Nah. I think it is actually diaherra."

"Oh…shit. Like, literally."

Thor's stomach grumbled.

"I told you to stay away from those Pop Tarts, brother."

**_Goals_ **

"Seriously, Loki. Don't you have any other goals in your life other than being an eternal troll to your brother?" Odin roared, punching the table with his mighty fist.

"It depends." Loki said "Does killing Balder count?"

"By Odin's beard! No wonder why I haven't seen Balder in the last couple of centuries!" Thor exclaimed, and then sneered at Loki "Shame on you, brother."

"Thank you kindly,Thor."

**_Dreams_ **

After a rather difficult mission, Clint and Natasha decided to relax in Clint's nest.

"Hey, Nat?" Clint asked.

"Yes?"

"When you were a kid, did you ever dream of being something else than a cold-blood assassin? For example, I dreamed of becoming a pilot, or maybe a falconer."

"Well, to be honest…" Natasha answered, folding her arms. "I always wanted to be Thimblerigger."

Clint blinked multiple times before asking:

"What the hell is a Thimblerigger?"

"It is what it is. Nothing more and nothing less." Natasha said, quite philosophically. After a few seconds of awkward silence, she looked at Clint "Let's pretend this conversation never happened."

"Yes." Clint agreed. "By all means, lets."

**_Betrayal_ **

"Stark, promise me you will never upload that video in that thing you call _the internet_. If you have any humanity left in you…"

"Easy there, Uncle Sam. You have my word I will never upload that embarrassing video of you believing that videogames were actually tiny realities with little people inside them."

Steve believed in Tony, for some ungodly reason. And two months later, Steve found out he was a celebrity, made famous by the popular video _'Leave Videogames ALONE!'_

"What? It's not my fault!" Tony said ,when a furious Steve confronted him "It was JARVIS, I swear. Artificial Intelligences are sneaky douches, I tell you…"

**_Ice Cream_ **

"Okay guys, do all of you have your cups of chocolate ice cream ready?" Thor asked to the Warriors Three and Sif.

"Ready!" they answered at the same time.

"By the way Thor," Sif asked ,as the demi- god turned on one of those weird midgardians machines "What are we going to watch?"

"Oh, just a video Loki recommended me." Thor said ,as the video started "It's called Two Girls, One Mjolnir."

**_Glad_ **

"Remember my words, sons. When in trouble, always rely on the HUARGH!"

"That's what you made me say last night, darling."

"I'm overly confused right now. What are father and mother talking about, Loki?"

But all Loki could do was to look down and shake his head.

"Dear Nine Realms, I think I'm actually glad I'm adopted…"

**_Explanations_ **

"Clint." Natasha said, very seriously "You know I love you, and that I accept you just the way you are. But you need to explain me this: what were these eagle eggs doing under your bed?"

Clint gulped, watching the eggs Natasha was holding in her hands.

"Yeah, well… about that…"He cleared his throat and scratched his head. "What?! I have childhood dreams issues, okay?!"

**_Perks_ **

"Hey JARVIS, do you know what are the biggest perks of being me? Everything."

"Good one, sir. And do you know what is the biggest perk of being a conscious A.I?"

"No. Tell me."

"That I can't turn myself off at will. Good night, Narcis-sir."

**_Assemble_ **

"Avengers, we have an emergency! It appears that…" When Fury looked up, he could see nothing more than empty seats. "Where the hell are they ?! When I say assemble, I MEAN ASSEMBLE, DAMMIT!"

"I'm sorry sir, but the Avengers are not coming." Agent Hill said.

"And why the fuck not?!" Fury snapped.

"Well, apparently," Hill continued ", Stark is too busy fighting against his A.I , who he claims that it somehow stole his girlfriend. Rogers had to go to a convention made for internet stars, where he was chosen to be the host. Agent Barton and Agent Romanoff have quit SHIELD to fulfill their long-lost childhood dreams of being a falconer and a …Thimblerigger, respectively. Thor said he was sick of love and that he can't get off the toilet. And Banner had to go to his annual _'Rage Control for Heroes'_ meeting."

Fury sighed, closing his eyes rubbing his temples.

Besides the heroes, another thing that wouldn't assemble that day would be Fury's inner peace

**_Eyepatch_ **

"You know father, Nick the Furious has an eyepatch too! Do you have a secret _'Eye Patch Society'_ or something?"

"HA! Don't be foolish, Thor. Now go to you room and get some sleep. You have to watch over Loki's cell tomorrow's morning."

Once his son was gone, Odin's smile banished and he looked at his wife in panic.

"THE EYE PATCH SOCIETY HAS BEEN COMPROMISED! Ragnarok is near..."

"Seriously..." Frigga muttered, rolling her eyes. "One-eyed men are impossible."

**_Present_ **

"Hey JARVIS, you know what day it is, don't you? It's Christmas! And I've got a present for my favorite and snarkiest A.I, because I'm that awesome. It's in your stocking by the campfire. Come and see what your creator bought for you!"

JARVIS synthetic eyes were shining. He had never received a Christmas present before. With his bytes running fast due the excitement, he did as Tony said.

"Wait, let me get the camera. I want to make sure both us remember this moment forever." Tony said, getting the camera ready. "Okay, done. Now tell me J, what do you think I got for you?"

"Well sir, I truly have no idea." JARVIS said with happiness, as he put his hand inside the stocking. "Perhaps it's the computer calendar I saw on TV, or a new protocol. Or maybe it's the published version of my manuscript _'Of ones and zeroes are made the true heroes'._ Or it's…!"

When JARVIS finally took out the present of the stocking, his smile froze in his lips. "Dear Isaac Asimov, it is…A piece – a piece of coal?"

The flash of the camera blinded him , and it was followed by Tony's laughter.

"Ha ha, that's what you get for hitting on Pepper behind my back, you overdeveloped calculator!" Tony sneered. "Oh man. I'm going to put this photo under my pillow so I can laugh myself to sleep every night for the rest of my life."

All JARVIS could do was to shed one manly tear.

A single and manly tear of oil.

**_Joke_ **

"Well Thor, I guess the old rumors were true." Fandral said smugly, putting an arm around Thor's shoulder. "If you put an Ice Giant in a cell for a long period of time, it eventually transforms into Rapunzel."

His brother ,Sif and the Warriors Three laughed at the same time. They laughed so much that Fandral ended up wetting himself and Thor choked with his own saliva.

"I guess I should be mad." Loki said to himself from inside the cell as Volstagg ,Hogun and Sif passed out due the laughter. "But the only true joke I see here is that you five are allowed to exist."

**_Interview_ **

"So, Lady Romanoff…"

"Call me lady again and I will twist your neck."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, I was just thanking you for receiving me."

"Anyways, as I was saying, could you explain me why you want to be a Thimblerigger?"

"Because that's what I want to be, you dumbass."

"Sorry?"

"Because that's been my dream since I was a child, sir."

"Oh, I see. Well, you certainly look like a very capable person, but do you have any experience?

"Well, I have experience with guns, granades, nuclear weapons and Nordic gods' magical artifacts that have enough power to destroy life as we know it in a matter of seconds. Not to say I could easily defeat a peloton of soldiers with my hands behind my back. Oh, and I'm also an expert in interrogations' procedures, or as I like to call it, torture."

"-…"

"…I'll be waiting for your call."

_**Text** _

It was four AM when Nick Fury woke up thanks to his cell phone.

"A bitch is begging to be killed." He said under his breath as he read the incoming message. He read it again and again, but only grew more confused with each time.

"What the hell is an Eye Patch Society? And who the avenging fuck is Odin?"

**_Haircut_ **

"Okay Mister Banner, we are done." The stylist said, moving Bruce's chair so he could look at himself in the mirror. "Do you look fabulous or what?"

_-Special Report-_

_"In other news, a hair salon was destroyed this morning. Witnesses affirm seeing a big green creature smashing the salon while screaming 'Puny stylist!'… Just another day in New York City! "_

**_Copyrights_ **

"I know that each era needs its own heroes. But that doesn't mean that the new heroes are allowed to copy the old ones! Because as you can see, your honor, this man who calls himself _'Iron Patriot'_ is nothing but a cheap ,modernized and controlled by the media copy of myself...By the way, do I really look that ridiculous in those colors?"

The whole court remained silent. Truth is that nobody in there could care less. Rhodes ,in fact, cared so little that he was playing Galaga in his cell phone.

"That's a good argument, Mister Rogers. But before I give my verdict, I must ask you something very important." The judge said very seriously. "Did you or not appear in the _'Leave Videogames alone '_ video?"

"How many times do I have to answer that?" Steve asked, his cheeks turning red. "Yes, I did! Why can't you twenty-first century people get over it?!"

" _Why can't you leave videogames alone?"_ Someone in the court mocked, causing the whole court to laugh.

"Don't feel bad, Capitan." Rhodes said, patting Steve's shoulder "I personally think that video is the greatest thing ever."

Steve looked and him and sighed.

"Shut up, hippie."

**_Flowers_ **

"Oh, my dear mother." Thor sighed as Frigga patted his head."I just don't know what I did wrong. I went to Jane's house, filled it flowers, and now, she just won't talk to me! I knew I should have given her a fire-sword. You know ,things female midgardians like. "

"Maybe she is allergic to the flowers you gave her, my son." Frigga suggested. "What kind of flowers were they?"

"This kind." Thor answered, taking a sample out of his pocket. Frigga examined it for a few seconds.

"Well Thor, I can clearly see why Jane is so upset." Frigga said, much to Thor's surprise "You didn't fill her house with flowers: you filled it with poison ivy. Who told you this plant was a flower in the first place?"

Thor's face slowly became furious. Then, he stood up and flipped the table.

With all the power of his lungs, he screamed:

"LOKI!"

_**Revenge** _

"Damn it, Tony, what did you do to him? He has being crying oil since Christmas!"

"Oh yeah, be on his side. And for the record, I didn't do anything to JARVIS. Ask Dummy,you know he doesn't lie."

"That's because he can't even talk!"

"Doesn't matter, he is still not a liar. And ignore JARVIS. He is just being a crybaby. Come one J, man the hell up! Or computer the hell up, in your case. Grow a hardware!"

Pepper glared at Tony while she hugged JARVIS. She couldn't believe Tony's behavior. He was being really immature.

Well, more than usual, and that's saying a lot.

"Whatever. I don't know what kind of mean thing you did to him, but all I can say is this." Pepper said. "JARVIS, do you remember the tree laws of robotics?"

"Y-yes ma'am."

"Well, your creator didn't program any of them into you." Pepper said, and she could see how Tony's jaw dropped. "He is that stupid."

JARVIS stopped crying. He looked at Pepper, and then at Tony.

Tony was as pale as a sheet of paper.

"Dummy." he muttered."Help me."

That was a day Tony Stark would never forget.

Actually, he did, because JARVIS beat him so hard with the coal he got amnesia.

_**Welcome** _

"Agent Romanoff, SHIELD welcomes you back. It's a shame your childhood dream job didn't work." Hill said.

"Yeah, they never called me back, so I bombed them." Natasha shrugged "The pay was horrible anyways."

"I know that feel." Hill added with sympathy.

_**Re-Assemble** _

"Okay sons of bitches, I'm tired and in a terrible mood today, so let's get it right this time. Here we go" One, two, three…Avengers Assemble!"

And so they did, but not exactly in the way Fury expected.

Thor was covered in rash, Stark couldn't even remember what he'd had for breakfast, Rogers had changed the colors of his suit (and heavens, he looked ridiculous), Banner had a new haircut and Natasha …well, she was the only one acting normal.

"Good, its seems we are all-" Fury's words died in his lips. "Wait a sec. Here's Nordic blondy, Iron Philanthropist douche, the Ex-American flag, the Jolly Green Giant, Itsy Bitsy Spider… Who is missing?!"

"That would be Barton, sir."

"And where is he?!"

"I am right here, chief."

Nick Fury, Hill and the Avengers looked at Clint at the same time. He was wearing his suit, but there was something different about him…

"Eyes of Hawk, are you all right?" Thor asked, scratching his head.

"No, I have abandoned that name." Clint said, getting closer to them. "I am no longer Hawkeye. From this day on, I shall be known as _'The Falconer'_. Look, I even replaced my arrows and bow with two trained hawks."

Clint whistled, and two hawks appeared from nowhere and landed on his shoulders.

"Wow." Tony said."What a dumbass."

Clint and Tony started to argue. Natasha tried to defend Clint, but she ended up arguing with Thor, who at the same time was making fun of Bruce because his hairstyle reminded him of Loki's. Steve tried to calm everyone down, but he gave up and went to the corner to play Galaga.

"…You know what? Screw this. I'm too old for this shit." Fury said, giving up on life "I'm off to join that Eye Patch Society. It can't be worse than this."

**_Epilogue_ **

So ends the story of how the Avengers didn't assemble. Only one question remains: would they ever assemble again?

Of course they would, because Loki was there to screw things up!

All thanks to Thor, who forgot to lock his cell.

Good job, Thor.

Good job indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Eyepatch_ **

"You know father, Nick the Furious has an eyepatch too! Do you have a secret _'Eye Patch Society'_ or something?"

"HA! Don't be foolish, Thor. Now go to you room and get some sleep. You have to watch over Loki's cell tomorrow's morning."

Once his son was gone, Odin's smile banished and he looked at his wife in panic.

"THE EYE PATCH SOCIETY HAS BEEN COMPROMISED! Ragnarok is near..."

"Seriously..." Frigga muttered, rolling her eyes. "One-eyed men are impossible."

 

**_Present_ **

"Hey JARVIS, you know what day it is, don't you? It's Christmas! And I've got a present for my favorite and snarkiest A.I, because I'm that awesome. It's in your stocking by the campfire. Come and see what your creator bought for you!"

JARVIS synthetic eyes were shining. He had never received a Christmas present before. With his bytes running fast due the excitement, he did as Tony said.

"Wait, let me get the camera. I want to make sure both us remember this moment forever." Tony said, getting the camera ready. "Okay, done. Now tell me J, what do you think I got for you?"

"Well sir, I truly have no idea." JARVIS said with happiness, as he put his hand inside the stocking. "Perhaps it's the computer calendar I saw on TV, or a new protocol. Or maybe it's the published version of my manuscript _'Of ones and zeroes are made the true heroes'._ Or it's…!"

When JARVIS finally took out the present of the stocking, his smile froze in his lips. "Dear Isaac Asimov, it is…A piece – a piece of coal?"

The flash of the camera blinded him , and it was followed by Tony's laughter.

"Ha ha, that's what you get for hitting on Pepper behind my back, you overdeveloped calculator!" Tony sneered. "Oh man. I'm going to put this photo under my pillow so I can laugh myself to sleep every night for the rest of my life."

All JARVIS could do was to shed one manly tear.

A single and manly tear of oil.

 

**_Joke_ **

"Well Thor, I guess the old rumors were true." Fandral said smugly, putting an arm around Thor's shoulder. "If you put an Ice Giant in a cell for a long period of time, it eventually transforms into Rapunzel."

His brother ,Sif and the Warriors Three laughed at the same time. They laughed so much that Fandral ended up wetting himself and Thor choked with his own saliva.

"I guess I should be mad." Loki said to himself from inside the cell as Volstagg ,Hogun and Sif passed out due the laughter. "But the only true joke I see here is that you five are allowed to exist."

 

**_Interview_ **

"So, Lady Romanoff…"

"Call me lady again and I will twist your neck."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, I was just thanking you for receiving me."

"Anyways, as I was saying, could you explain me why you want to be a Thimblerigger?"

"Because that's what I want to be, you dumbass."

"Sorry?"

"Because that's been my dream since I was a child, sir."

"Oh, I see. Well, you certainly look like a very capable person, but do you have any experience?

"Well, I have experience with guns, granades, nuclear weapons and Nordic gods' magical artifacts that have enough power to destroy life as we know it in a matter of seconds. Not to say I could easily defeat a peloton of soldiers with my hands behind my back. Oh, and I'm also an expert in interrogations' procedures, or as I like to call it, torture."

"-…"

"…I'll be waiting for your call."

 

_**Text** _

It was four AM when Nick Fury woke up thanks to his cell phone.

"A bitch is begging to be killed." He said under his breath as he read the incoming message. He read it again and again, but only grew more confused with each time.

"What the hell is an Eye Patch Society? And who the avenging fuck is Odin?"

 

**_Haircut_ **

"Okay Mister Banner, we are done." The stylist said, moving Bruce's chair so he could look at himself in the mirror. "Do you look fabulous or what?"

_-Special Report-_

_"In other news, a hair salon was destroyed this morning. Witnesses affirm seeing a big green creature smashing the salon while screaming 'Puny stylist!'… Just another day in New York City! "_

 

**_Copyrights_ **

"I know that each era needs its own heroes. But that doesn't mean that the new heroes are allowed to copy the old ones! Because as you can see, your honor, this man who calls himself _'Iron Patriot'_ is nothing but a cheap ,modernized and controlled by the media copy of myself...By the way, do I really look that ridiculous in those colors?"

The whole court remained silent. Truth is that nobody in there could care less. Rhodes ,in fact, cared so little that he was playing Galaga in his cell phone.

"That's a good argument, Mister Rogers. But before I give my verdict, I must ask you something very important." The judge said very seriously. "Did you or not appear in the _'Leave Videogames alone '_ video?"

"How many times do I have to answer that?" Steve asked, his cheeks turning red. "Yes, I did! Why can't you twenty-first century people get over it?!"

" _Why can't you leave videogames alone?"_ Someone in the court mocked, causing the whole court to laugh.

"Don't feel bad, Capitan." Rhodes said, patting Steve's shoulder "I personally think that video is the greatest thing ever."

Steve looked and him and sighed.

"Shut up, hippie."

 

**_Flowers_ **

"Oh, my dear mother." Thor sighed as Frigga patted his head."I just don't know what I did wrong. I went to Jane's house, filled it flowers, and now, she just won't talk to me! I knew I should have given her a fire-sword. You know ,things female midgardians like. "

"Maybe she is allergic to the flowers you gave her, my son." Frigga suggested. "What kind of flowers were they?"

"This kind." Thor answered, taking a sample out of his pocket. Frigga examined it for a few seconds.

"Well Thor, I can clearly see why Jane is so upset." Frigga said, much to Thor's surprise "You didn't fill her house with flowers: you filled it with poison ivy. Who told you this plant was a flower in the first place?"

Thor's face slowly became furious. Then, he stood up and flipped the table.

With all the power of his lungs, he screamed:

"LOKI!"

 

_**Revenge** _

"Damn it, Tony, what did you do to him? He has being crying oil since Christmas!"

"Oh yeah, be on his side. And for the record, I didn't do anything to JARVIS. Ask Dummy,you know he doesn't lie."

"That's because he can't even talk!"

"Doesn't matter, he is still not a liar. And ignore JARVIS. He is just being a crybaby. Come one J, man the hell up! Or computer the hell up, in your case. Grow a hardware!"

Pepper glared at Tony while she hugged JARVIS. She couldn't believe Tony's behavior. He was being really immature.

Well, more than usual, and that's saying a lot.

"Whatever. I don't know what kind of mean thing you did to him, but all I can say is this." Pepper said. "JARVIS, do you remember the tree laws of robotics?"

"Y-yes ma'am."

"Well, your creator didn't program any of them into you." Pepper said, and she could see how Tony's jaw dropped. "He is that stupid."

JARVIS stopped crying. He looked at Pepper, and then at Tony.

Tony was as pale as a sheet of paper.

"Dummy." he muttered."Help me."

That was a day Tony Stark would never forget.

Actually, he did, because JARVIS beat him so hard with the coal he got amnesia.

 

_**Welcome** _

"Agent Romanoff, SHIELD welcomes you back. It's a shame your childhood dream job didn't work." Hill said.

"Yeah, they never called me back, so I bombed them." Natasha shrugged "The pay was horrible anyways."

"I know that feel." Hill added with sympathy.

 

_**Re-Assemble** _

"Okay sons of bitches, I'm tired and in a terrible mood today, so let's get it right this time. Here we go" One, two, three…Avengers Assemble!"

And so they did, but not exactly in the way Fury expected.

Thor was covered in rash, Stark couldn't even remember what he'd had for breakfast, Rogers had changed the colors of his suit (and heavens, he looked ridiculous), Banner had a new haircut and Natasha …well, she was the only one acting normal.

"Good, its seems we are all-" Fury's words died in his lips. "Wait a sec. Here's Nordic blondy, Iron Philanthropist douche, the Ex-American flag, the Jolly Green Giant, Itsy Bitsy Spider… Who is missing?!"

"That would be Barton, sir."

"And where is he?!"

"I am right here, chief."

Nick Fury, Hill and the Avengers looked at Clint at the same time. He was wearing his suit, but there was something different about him…

"Eyes of Hawk, are you all right?" Thor asked, scratching his head.

"No, I have abandoned that name." Clint said, getting closer to them. "I am no longer Hawkeye. From this day on, I shall be known as _'The Falconer'_. Look, I even replaced my arrows and bow with two trained hawks."

Clint whistled, and two hawks appeared from nowhere and landed on his shoulders.

"Wow." Tony said."What a dumbass."

Clint and Tony started to argue. Natasha tried to defend Clint, but she ended up arguing with Thor, who at the same time was making fun of Bruce because his hairstyle reminded him of Loki's. Steve tried to calm everyone down, but he gave up and went to the corner to play Galaga.

"…You know what? Screw this. I'm too old for this shit." Fury said, giving up on life "I'm off to join that Eye Patch Society. It can't be worse than this."

 

**_Epilogue_ **

So ends the story of how the Avengers didn't assemble. Only one question remains: would they ever assemble again?

Of course they would, because Loki was there to screw things up!

All thanks to Thor, who forgot to lock his cell.

Good job, Thor.

Good job indeed.


End file.
